Co-regulation vs Self-regulation

‘The ability to regulate through the comfort of another is called co-regulation. This on repeat wires up the brain for self-regulation, emotional intelligence, empathic responses, rational thinking and problem solving.’ Lelia Scott

And then it happened to us – the fever, body aches, cough, warped sense of smell – my family tested positive for COVID. I was dealing with my own symptoms but also with a very sick husband and two feverish and needy little children. They needed their mom – who was not doing too great herself. We all know that Covid is not just Covid – there is a whole emotional component attached to it. Fear of how your body will respond, dealing with all the information and narratives that you have heard from family, friends and social media. Confusion about who to believe and whose advice to follow.

I needed help.

There are times in our lives like these when you realize the importance of co-regulation.

In the midst of this I found myself turning to the people closest to me for assurance and encouragement (sometimes in the middle of the night) – because I could not do it alone. I needed to co-regulate so that I can deal with the emotions to self-regulate enough to get through the difficult moments. At times when self-regulation just doesn’t cut it anymore – we go back to basics, we go back to those most important core relationships, we go back to those people who make us feel safe and secure, we go back to co-regulation.

So what is co-regulation and why is it such a basic need?  As a baby we rely on our primary caregivers to feel safe and secure. As we grow up, we often judge whether a situation is scary or not based on our caregivers’ responses. If mommy laughs at something, it must be funny, but if she cries, there must be something wrong. We also rely on our caregivers to regulate – if I am upset, mom can soothe me and I calm down; if I am angry, dad talks about my big emotions, and it makes me less angry, if I am upset because I am hungry, mom meets my need and feeds me. Being heard, being seen, being soothed, having our needs met are all part of co-regulation. Sometimes we co-regulate without saying a word. We all know the feeling of being with a friend who ‘gets us.’ Someone who becomes a holding space so that we can just let go. Those visits when we feel better, encouraged and inspired just because we spent time with someone we love.

We focus so much on independence in our children – wanting them to self-regulate emotionally and sensorily. But we forget that as adults we co-regulate with other people each and every day. Self-regulation is a very important skill – but something we need alongside co-regulation, not instead of it.

Let us get back to self-regulation – as a child learns to co-regulate and to manage big emotions, and as their cognitive skills and left-brain abilities develop, they become more apt at self-regulating in various situations. Although they often reflect back to situations where they co-regulated with a caregiver e.g. a child can self-regulate when there is a scary scene in their favorite cartoon, because previously mom told them that it is make-believe and they do not need to feel scared. Co-regulation becomes the launching pad for self-regulation. I learn the skills that I need to understand my own behaviour and reactions and to manage it effectively and with flexibility through co-regulating with an attuned caregiver.

Emotional regulation is our ability to manage a variety of emotions and situations in a healthy, integrated manner.  Children under the age of 5 are mainly right-brain orientated because their logical reasoning is still developing. Which means that they have big emotions such as anger or fear – without the ability to make sense of it. Through co-regulation we give them the logic they need so that they can process it. As a parent I am still practicing this. If my son has a meltdown I often want to say ‘stop crying’ or ‘go and cry in your room’. But what am I in effect teaching him? That his emotions are not allowed here, which can lead to suppressed emotions later on in life. What I am supposed to do is to go down to his level and say ‘I see that you are very angry because I said no to you. It is ok to be angry. Let’s take a deep breath and calm down and then we can talk about it.’ When he is calm I can use my left-brain logic to explain his reaction and help him to think of an alternative way of dealing with his emotions. If I do this I teach him that all emotions are welcome here, but also how to deal with difficult emotions so that he will be able to regulate emotionally independently later on in life. Definitely a long-term win-win for everybody.

Sensory regulation refers to our ability to regulate neurologically amidst internal and external sensory stimuli. If I am too sensitive to touch and I need to stand in line at school, I may find it challenging to regulate. Because our limbic system (part of our brains that process emotion) is so involved with our sensory systems, strong emotions such as anger or fear can be evoked in a sensory challenging situation. But the flip side of the coin is also true – being anxious before a big exam might invoke a sensory response such as having a tummy ache or feeling nauseous. The more I learn the more I realize that all aspects of our humanity are so integrated that we need to look at it from all angles. As a child I struggled with sensory sensitivities, and often came home being totally overwhelmed and needing to regulate. If things did not go as I anticipated e.g. my room was cleaned and my books were moved – I would have a massive meltdown. Was that sensory or emotional? Or both? See how complicated it gets!

Regulation is much more than being in a state of homeostasis– we need to be emotionally and sensorily regulated, we need to be able to self-regulate when needed, but also to turn to intimate friends and family members to co-regulate when needed. As an occupational therapist when I look at regulation I need to consider the dance between all these components. I need to look at a child’s sensory systems but also at their emotional processing, and then their relationship with their primary caregivers. Because that relationship becomes the vehicle for co-regulation and self-regulation to develop.

The best thing that you can do for your child is to allow them to co-regulate with you. But to be able to do this, you need to be self-regulated. It is crucial to look at your regulatory needs before you can meet those of your child. I encourage you to stand back and look at yourself and your child and your relationship and to see what changes need to be made to make you a better co-regulator.

Stuart Shanker said: ‘Children learn how to regulate their emotions through co-regulation. The better we can soothe them when they are agitated, or support them when they are low, the better they absorb how to do this for themselves.’

What a wonderful gift that we can give to our children and to ourselves!