Raising resilient children

Life is uncertain and our children are inevitably going to get faced with difficult situations in their lives that may change the way they see themselves, the world and the future. What makes one child stand up from adversity and move on, and another to get stuck in a pattern of negative behaviour?

Simply resilience.

The American psychological association defines resilience as the ability to overcome adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats and significant sources of stress. In her TED Talk, social worker Teresse Lewis believes that we need to teach resilience to our kids from the beginning – not as a response to something negative that happens. It needs to be as important as teaching reading and writing.

So how do we teach our children resilience? It all starts with our relationship with them. Attachment theory shows that a newborn baby responds to the way we look at them, we talk to them and how we respond to them. That provides the foundation for how they think of themselves. Am I lovable and accepted – or am I worthy of rejection and neglect? Research proves that the quality of relationships is the best predictor of resilience in our children. We as parents, family members, friends, educators, therapists, coaches, and every other adult in a child’s life need to work together to build positive relationships in the lives of our children. Our love and acceptance, our support and the words that we say to our children build up their inner voice and their belief system about themselves.

I am left speechless when I hear how little children get labeled as ‘bad’ or ‘naughty’. When they are punished for every negative behaviour without even looking at their strengths and victories. When a three year old describes themselves as ‘naughty’ or ‘bad’ in my therapy room I cannot accept that there can be any circumstance that justifies that. When did punishing negative behaviour become so important that it is allowed to instil a negative belief system in a child?

To be resilient, a child needs to know that they can overcome, that they have what it takes, and that they have the support to do so. To be able to know that – they need to get that message from the adults around them.

Linda Graham author of Resilience, teaches adults practices to become more resilient in life. These are the messages we can give our children to help them develop resilience.

1. Children need to know that bad things happen – it is not a result or a consequence of something that they are, or that they did. We can’t keep our children from all adversity, they need to learn that it is part of life and practice dealing with it with our support.

2. Children’s feelings and thoughts need to be acknowledged. They need to know that they are supported and loved no matter what. Children need to be able to identify their feelings and where they resonate in their bodies to build emotional awareness and intelligence.

3. Forgiveness needs to be encouraged from an early age and with it theory of mind. Why did my friend do that to me? What were they thinking or feeling when it happened? If we understand the actions of others, we develop empathy and we are better able to forgive them.

4. Children need to know that we need each other and that it is ok to ask for help. We do not have to have ‘everything together’ all the time, even as adults.

5. Children need to learn to see mistakes as learning opportunities to have a growth mindset. So I failed my math test, what did I learn from it? Maybe to start studying a bit earlier next time, or to ask for help when I don’t understand how to do a math sum. Allowing children to problem solve around difficult situations gives them skills for life.

So how can we as adults support them in developing resilience?

–Love and acceptance are the most important factors.

–Celebrate with them if they do something difficult e.g. the first time they took part in public speaking after feeling anxious about it. It is about more than the certificate they received, it is about their bravery in doing something that they did not feel like facing.

-Teach them gratitude – mention a few things that you are grateful for every day in every circumstance. This will help them to look for the positives, even in the midst of overwhelming negatives.

-Use positive language and practice positive thinking. Instead of saying” ‘you are bad at math’, rather say ‘I think your math score will improve when you practice more.’

-Encourage problem-solving if something did not go as planned. Ask questions such as ‘what else could you have done?’ or ‘what other options can you think of?’

-Teach them to create external safety nets – it may be to have a savings account that teaches them to prepare for unforeseen expenses, or a back-up plan if you can’t fetch them from school in time. Talk to them about various situations and how they can handle them should they occur.

-Support body and brain health – our health greatly influences our resilience. Sleep, nutrition, spending time outside, connecting with family and friends, play and laughter and exercise all enhances our ability to be resilient. Teaching your child healthy habits will be something that they can continue with once they leave your house. Mindfulness techniques have been shown to be very effective in dealing with adversity.

We need to be the ones that make the difference for our kids. We need to be the ones that believe in them and that help them build a positive view of themselves and the world. So that when adversity strikes, and it inevitably will, they have the skills to deal with it and to stand up and move forward from it with hope.